Enough Is Enough…

It’s easy to feel like you aren’t enough when you’re living with a chaotic mind in a chaotic life.  When you have demands coming at you from every direction and you don’t know which one to answer first, it’s easy to just listen to the voice that shouts the loudest.  When that voice is your own, shouting that you aren’t good enough, it’s very difficult to ignore.

As humans it seems to be our nature to undervalue our own efforts and gloss over any success.  When you have anxiety and depression it’s more profound than that. You loathe yourself, you feel like a failure all the time, you want to do well but no matter how well you do it isn’t enough…you’re never enough.

Although I can’t speak for others I want to say that when it comes to recovery and the ongoing journey I take with anxiety this is especially true. I’m often guilty of judging myself too harshly in regards to how well I’m doing and it’s only when I turn a corner and start to feel better I can accept my so called shortcomings.  This is where I am at the moment and this is why I wanted to write this now, so I can read it later when I need to give myself some advice.

This is it…

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

I’m human, I’m weak and I’m fallible and that’s okay.  If we just give ourselves permission to be less than perfect we can start to accept ourselves and love our flaws. We can find a way to live with ourselves in a way that works.

While we need to accept ourselves, we should never stop trying to grow and develop, we just need to be a lot kinder in the way we go about it. We just need to find ways to do things so we can participate in the world without it feeling like a chore or a punishment.

Take me as an example.  I don’t like unfamiliar surroundings and I hate having things sprung on me. I need time to plan, to feel a bit in control or else my panic.  It doesn’t make me a bad person and it doesn’t make me boring.  It’s just the way I am. Having a spontaneous husband doesn’t make this easy but he is good for me.  He understands when I turn down the sudden suggestion of a night out but equally I am challenged to step out of my comfort zone from time to time.  So now, rather than always saying no, I try to deal with things by putting plans in place to give me back some of the control.  I plan how we’re getting there, how we’re getting home, how long we’re likely to be out and often that’s enough for me to go out and have a good time.  But sometimes it’s all too much and I have to say no, I can’t go out tonight, I’m freaking out…and that’s okay.

It doesn’t matter how many tries it takes, only that we don’t give up.  Life is basically an extended period of trying. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we learn something and need to try again, sometimes we realise we’re going in completely the wrong direction and need to change course and it’s all okay.

I think the point I’m trying to make is, if we do what we can do, that’s enough. Don’t berate yourself, don’t judge yourself harshly, don’t be your own worst critic.

You did good…

You did what you could…

You did enough…

You ARE enough.

Thanks For The Memories

Something occurred to me today and I wanted to share. It’s to do with my depression and realising how severely affected by it I was. This isn’t to say this is what made me get help because it’s not, but once I’d started treatment and it had started working this is what I noticed. I was incredibly negative. This was pointed out to me by Facebook in the form of the memories that would pop up on my timeline each day. At the time I was just ranting, in my mmind, Iwas being rather amusing with my observations of how irritating other people were, but now when I look back I cringe and realise how deeply unhappy I actually was.

It came out as anger, bitterness and cynicism. I’d complain about the bus, the people on the bus, customers at work, how busy it was in town, service I was getting iintoshops, my neighbours and anything else that had the misfortune of crossing my path.

I was a victim of depression and couldn’t see it because depression does that, it masks everything. It’s probably a way of coping by mdoingnothing your fault and putting the responsibility for your happiness elsewhere.

Although I didn’t realise I was depressed I knew I was never happy. I cried often, I was ierraticand had lots of mood swings. I had headaches, feelings of dread and constantly felt tired.

When I finally got treatment and started feeling better I slowly noticed the change in my Facebook posts, they became happier. When I was reading my memories I was horrified at how bitter and negative they were but that is simply the nature of the beast.

For the last year I have deleted the negative statuses each day when my Memories come up. It’s very cathartic and for the last few weeks I have had only happy memories and kind words appearing when I check my account.

The reason I wanted to share this is because if I knew then what I know now I might have noticed the negative trend and bbeingable to identify the fact I wasn’t well and got help much sooner. I don’t regret it, because everything that has happened has led me here. But if sharing this helps somebody else notice that their own way of thinking is perhaps not conducive to their own happiness, maybe it will help them seek help and heal.

Lots of love xx