I don’t really get bad moods anymore. I’m so thankful for that. Sometimes I still feel sad, sometimes I still feel anxious, sometimes I feel elated and sometimes I’m slightly annoyed. But what has gone is the overwhelming irritation that rises up from within, seemingly without reason and causes me to feel so angry it’s tangible. It itches from within, it hurts and it can’t be explained or understood, it’s just there.
It builds like fire, rising up and taking over. The spark that starts it can be anything or nothing. Spontaneous internal combustion, volatile and unstable, ready to flare up at any moment with no prior warning or explanation. Something that didn’t irritate you one day can make you explode the next and without notice. You’re hurting from within, scratching at this invisible sore that you can’t understand and you can’t explain.
And the only way to quell this awful feeling is to lash out, be it at yourself or other people in your life. To shout, scream and snap. It’s not really anyones fault and deep down you know that, they’re just in the wrong place at the right time. You aren’t in control, you don’t do it on purpose, it just happens. A harsh, biting word, a raised voice, a nasty look. It comes from somewhere other than you, somewhere dark and primal.
And then there’s the brief spell of blessed relief. The itching has stopped, the anger is gone and for the briefest moment, there is peace. You can breathe again. The storm has passed and you can hear yourself think.
But then the guilt starts to fill the void and you’re plagued with remorse for your outburst. You shouldn’t have lashed out like that, you should have kept your temper. You hate how awful you made the other person feel with your carelessly thrown words. Why are you such a nasty horrible person? Your mind forces you to play it back, over and over again until it bears no resemblance to your actual transgression and you start feeling irritated again and you feel that itch to start burning in your chest and stomach once again.
I hadn’t noticed the absence of these feelings until recently I saw a glimpse of my former self in the eyes of someone else and I realised how much better my life is now without rage. It can be beaten. It can be controlled. It can be overcome. You don’t have to live with this pain. There is help out there in so many different forms. Find one that works for you and start to enjoy life and embrace it.