Things are set to get a little odd around here as I try to find new ways to heal from my previous mental state and try move forward in a happier frame of mind so bear with me.
I am a great believer in dreams holding the answers to a lot of our every day problems and so I’m going to make a point of trying to remember mine each night and see if they are trying to tell me anything. I think we take on so much in life, and take in so much information each day that it’s hard to process and our dreams are definitely an outlet for our tired minds. Things we can’t make sense of by day can be worked out while we sleep and when we wake up, things don’t feel so bad again.
Last night I was talking in my sleep. I didn’t know this until JJ told me this morning I’d bellowed the words FUCK OFF at him in the early hours. I do remember I’d had some dreams about certain things from my past that trouble me, guilt I feel that I just couldn’t let go of, friendships that had gone by the wayside, missed oportunities to do the right thing, nothing incredibly serious and yet, it was serious to me.
I think last night I let it all go. I think I was shouting at my subconcious, and at all the ghosts from my past that it was time for them to leave me alone and let me move forward.
I will try each day to do the right thing, try to help where I can, try not to upset anyone, and try to love the world and myself a little more than I have in the past. That’s really all I can do.
It’s time to let go.
It’s time to move forward.
It’s a beautiful day and something in my soul that has been dormant for far too long is waking up. The magic of the mundane is begining to glisten like the sunlight on morning dew and I am feeling renewed. For too long I have been sleepwalking through each day, ignoring the ordinary beauty and the wonder that makes up the patchwork quilt we call life. I don’t know if I became depressed because I stopped noticing the beauty, or if I stopped noticing the beauty because I became depressed, but somewhere along the road, I put my head down and my blinkers on and just kept looking forward trying to find my way out of the fog. But today, I felt as if the fog was lifting. I could see colour again, and feel, really feel…joy once more.
Never the sort of person that can just enjoy the moment for what it is, I started reflecting on this and why I was again able to tap into my happiness and what feels like a soul level. What was it? Well, I think the catalyst that started this all off is I started to care about myself again. My lovely friend Nicola started selling Bodyshop Products and I wanted to support her in her venture so I started buying bits here and there. And because I’d bought them, it seemed logical that I should use them. And each time I used them, I was subconciously affirming to myself I mattered, I was important, I deserved love. So it took it a step further and intentionally directed loving thoughts towards myself when using my Bodyshop products and wonderful things followed.
As I started feeling better about myself I started taking better care of myself too. I started eating better, cut out the junk food (not deliberately, I just stopped desiring it) and I’ve rediscovered my love for aromatherapy and all things hippy-dippy. I’ve started wearing funky eyeshadow again and feeling like I like the person I am. I’m reading books and going for walks and enjoying the colourful world that envelops me.
For the first time in a long time I feel as if I am recovering from this depression as opposed to just adapting to it and it feels wonderful. For the first time in a long time I feel like I could possibly get better, and thrive, not just survive. I feel like I could have a life filled with confident happiness, not fear. With our without the tablets (we’ll see) I feel like I have a chance of a great future and it all started with a bit of pampering and TLC.
Love yourself, because when you do, amazing things can happen.